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the Bed.
Introduction:
I do not claim to be an expert on sex or on dating, but I do claim
to have insight into a situation that some men find themselves
in.....being beyond adolescence (i.e. over the age of 18) and
not having had much experience in the ways of dating and/or sex.
I myself was a "late-bloomer" and although now I am
married and happy, it is true that I was a virgin until my twenties
and didn't date much before then due to shyness and being uncomfortable
around women.
This small essay is designed
to provide some pointers to those who find themselves in the situation
of being male, at least 20 years old, unable to date a lot, and
with little or any sexual experience. The advice herein is less
designed to change you (because there is nothing wrong with you),
but to alter your outlook, so that you become more confident and
sure in your actions. Women can sense fear and uncomfortableness
in their dates/boyfriends, and this makes them uncomfortable and
anxious. Success, then, merely requires some strategies to restore
confidence and to avoid common pitfalls.
This advice will come in three
sections: Locating, Dating, and Mating. If you are not having
difficulty with one or the other, then skip that section.
Locating:
Although the times they are a-changin', it is still generally
true that, in an initial contact situation, men are the ones who
present themselves for evaluation by women. In other words, men
are expected to present themselves to women and then submit themselves
for approval or rejection. Unfortunately, this situation puts
a great burden on males, because men are then constantly subjecting
themselves to rejection by women who may be uninterested in finding
someone, may enjoy rejecting men, or may be looking for someone
completely unlike you.
So, assuming you are not one
of the lucky men who always has a good introduction, is drop-dead
good looking, or you are not one of those rare males who can take
rejection after rejection in stride, the idea is to eliminate
as much rejection as possible. This puts the shy, unconfident
male on firmer ground because, as the chance of rejection diminshes,
then by definition, confidence level must increase.
Now, how to meet the woman (women) of your dreams? Of course, a long association via school or work can blossom into romance, but this is kismet and cannot be predicted or anticipated or expected. The usual course is to go to a bar or other social scene and then attempt a cold approach to a female who strikes your fancy. This is an inherently rejection-laden process. After all, let's look at the layers that need to be cut through:
That's a hell of a lot of "hoops"
of rejection to jump through before you get anywhere. I would
imagine, assuming that you are not drop-dead gorgeous, that 90%
to 95% of any women you meet cold approach will meet one of the
above rejection criteria. Being rejected 9 out of 10 or 19 out
of 20 times is not very appealing.
The solution? Eliminate the
hoops. Actually, you cannot really eliminate the hoops, but you
can shunt them "offline", such that when women reject
you you are not aware of it. Obviously, the pain of rejection
occurs through its realization. If someone rejects you and you
are oblivious to that rejection, then it is hardly painful.
This is why I recommend personal
ads in a reputable newspaper. For your information, this is how
I met my wife. A personal ad has many many benefits for the shy,
inexperienced male. First, it is free, so you can put in an ad
week after week for no cost. Second, as mentioned, rejection happens
offline. For example, let's say I put a short ad that reads "Shy,
sincere SJM 29 into poetry, art films, and travel seeks SWF 20-35
for a meaningful friendship and possible relationship". Now,
watch the hoops drop away. First of all, those women who are homosexual
will not be looking in the men-seeking-women section, so they
will not reject you. Second, those women who are married will
(hopefully) not be looking in the personal ads, so they drop away.
Third, those women not seeking a relationship at the present time
will also not be looking in the personal ads, so they drop away.
Already 50% of your probable rejections have been eliminated!
Now, assuming a female reads
your ad, if you have constructed the ad honestly and thoughtfully,
you wil be able to convey a lot of info. For example, I have said
that I am shy, so women wanting outgoing extroverted men will
not pursue the ad any further. Words like meaningful and sincere
tell women looking for cheapo relationships or casual sex to look
elsewhere as well. Women not into poetry or art films or travel
(i.e. women not at your intellectual preference) will also melt
away. Thus, by the time a woman reads your ad and thinks she might
be interested, you already have a lot in common with what she
is looking for. Sure, thousands of women have read your ad and
thought to themselves "God, what a jerk", but they haven't
said it to your face....you are rejected but never in a way that
you can perceive.
After the ad, you place a 1-2
minute voice mail message telling more about yourself. The woman
who has read your ad and is interested will call your voice mail
and listen to your message. If she likes it, she will leave a
message and hopefully a phone number and you are off and running.
Again, you get even more of a screening effect, since those women
that may have been interested in your ad will now get to evaluate
your voice message. In this message you want to tell as much about
yourself as possible and what you are looking for in a woman.
Those women not interested will hang up. Those interested will,
of course, leave a message. So, again you have a further process
of rejection to which you are oblivious.
The final step is to call the woman on the phone, chat, and maybe arrange a date. By this time you should go into the call fairly confident, because your chance of rejection should be abnormally low. After all, this woman has picked your ad out of many others. She has also paid at least $0.99 per minute to listen to and respond to your voice mail, and she has given you a phone number. Chances are, she is already very interested in you, likes who you are, and has a lot in common. What a great footing to start upon!
As a bit of un update since
I first wrote this essay, online dating has the same advantages
as the personal ad cited above.
Dating:
OK, so you've found someone in whom you are interested and who
is interested in you. Now comes the dating, as much an uncomfortable
situation as meeting a woman. However, just as I illustrated how
to take the anxiety out of meeting women, I can take much of the
anxiety out of the first few dates.
First, make sure the first
date is somewhere innocuous and non-committal. You want to make
sure both parties have an out, should things not click. Therefore,
making an initial date for dinner and a movie is a bad idea because
that commits both parties to at least 4 hours together. Instead,
I recommend after work drinks (which can end up as anything from
a 3 hour dinner with drinks to a 20 minute cocktail) or, less
desirably, a weekday lunch. Both have small time commitments and
are in a more or less public, safe, and informal mode. With after
work drinks, you can come prepared with a place for dinner in
mind and even a good movie or event to attend afterwards. That
way, if things do click, you can extend the date.
In dating, men are in a similar position to the approach. They must put themselves out blindly and submit their actions for approval. This is because men are expected and expect themselves to make the first move. By first move I do not necessarily mean sex. In fact, I recommend no thought of sex any time during these first few dates. What I mean by move is any sort of ratcheting up of the date or relationship. For example:
The problem for men (and don't
get me wrong, women have plenty of dating anxieties as well, but
I leave those for a woman to explain) is that they are expected
to sort of figure out when each of the above items should be done.
But guess what? We men are not telepaths...we cannot mind read.
So instead we have to spend the entire time (and before and after
the date) agonizing over when we should (or should have) done
any of the above. This anxiety does not allow men to enjoy their
first dates and puts them ill at ease. Of course, if the man is
ill at ease, then his date is going to sense this and she is going
to be uneasy. Makes for a lousy and nerve-wracking first date.
The cure is for men to take
back control of the date. Right now, women essentially have control
of the dating situation. Given that most men phsyically want to
engage in every activity listed above, while women tend to be
more reticent, women are in the position of controlling the flow
of the date and what moves are acceptable or unacceptable. This,
like the approach, puts men in the position of rejection. For
example, if a man wants to put his arm around a woman at the movie
theatre on the first date, he risks the woman not appreciating
this and removing his arm. Same with a goodnight kiss. It is humiliating
to close one's eyes, pucker up, lean over to the passenger seat,
and find nothing...opening one's eyes to see the woman getting
out of the car.
So, men need to take back control.
And in general, the one who has the most restrictions has the
control. For example, if one party wants sex on date #2 and the
other on date #6, then sex occurs on date #6. Slower controls.
If men want control, and therefore confidence, then they must
go slower. I have and I have known other men who have spent an
entire date agonizing over whether they should attempt a goodnight
kiss, and how she will react...if it will be too forward for her...or
if they should kiss her passionately....or just a peck on the
cheek.
I recommend that men follow a very conservative game plan. For example:
The following time table is
certain to not offend 99.9% of any women. In other words, you
will never EVER have to worry about being too forward. That's
one big worry off of the man's mind. It may, in fact, be a bit
slower than some women are used to, but this is good because it
shows the woman that you are not just interested in physical attraction
and affection and it can be a sort of tease.
Because, using the above game
plan, you go into each date knowing beforehand EXACTLY what will
and will not happen, you are in control. The date becomes yours
and gets to proceed exactly to plan. In other words, most of the
cause for first dates nervousness is gone! You are in complete
control!
Mating:
Ok, now for the biggie. You have a woman whom you like and have
been dating (and you have agreed to be monogamous, gotten AIDs
tested, or worked out safe sexual practices) and eventually the
issue of sex comes up....and you're a virgin. What should you
do?
Most men, if a virgin into
their twenties (or beyond) tend to think that this will be a source
of handicap and embarrassment viz a viz women. Not so, if done
properly. Virginity can be as much of a boon as it is perceived
to be a handicap, if viewed in the proper frame of mind. The key
to enjoying and having your mate enjoy your first sexual experience
is to, as in the other two sections, reduce anxiety. To do this,
the virginal male must be careful to do the following, both in
preparation for sex and/or during sex:
First, you must, before the
time you intend to have sex, inform your potential lover that
you are a virgin. No amount of play acting or pretending is going
to ever convince your lover that you are experienced, and when
you make mistakes and gaffes (and you will...it is IMPOSSIBLE
to perform good intercourse the first time out...don't even think
about being the exception, because you won't be) as a virgin,
it is expected, forgiveable, and can even be endearing. On the
other hand, if you claim to be experienced (and...this is important...ANY
MALE IN HIS TWENTIES OR LATER IS GOING TO BE ASSUMED BY A WOMAN
TO HAVE QUITE A BIT OF EXPERIENCE UNLESS SHE IS TOLD OTHERWISE)
and perform lousily in bed, then the women is simply going to
assume that you are a lousy lover. Frankly, think about it, I'd
rather be known as inexperienced than just plain bad.
When you inform your girlfriend
that you are a virgin, not only do you lower her performance expectations
(and if her expectations are lowered, then by definition, your
anxiety level should be lowered as well), but this can be a plus
for your relationship. Why? Well, first because it says to the
woman that you aren't shallow but are into a deeper relationship
than casual sex. It also can make the woman feel special, especially
if she is told that the reason you never had sex before was because
you never found anyone you liked or respected enough to sleep
with (is this a lie?...I don't know, but if you feel comfortable
saying it, please do, because it is almost guaranteed to work).
In addition, being a virgin makes you less of an STD (including
AIDs) risk. Finally, some women find virgins desirable, both because
it is sort of a conquest turn-on and because it means that you
have no preconceptions or bad sexual habits....you can be trained
to perform exactly the way she likes. Also, being able to tell
her you are a virgin is an act of sensitivity, respect, and trust,
and most women will appreciate this.
As you can see, assuming you
have not hooked up with a shallow, self-serving woman interested
only in great sex, then being a virgin has some really nice advantages.
Realize this, and use it to lower your anxiety and raise your
confidence.
OK, so now she knows you are
a virgin, and you are in bed. What do you do? Simple rules. First,
you will never ever ever ever ever perform good intercourse the
first time out. Most men fantasize about being a "naturally
great" lover the first time out, but even if you have masturbated
your brains out, intercourse is like nothing a virgin has ever
fantasized or practiced for and, in addition, it is very difficult
to control ejaculation the first time out....so forget it. First
time intercourse is going to result in premature ejaculation or
complete lack of potency altogether.
Second, the virginal male must
make sure to take care to please the woman first, irrespective
of his own pleasure. Why? Because the anxiousness virginal males
feel regarding sex comes from the thought of not performing well
enough to please the female. Very few males become anxious that
THEY might not be pleased. Because of this, the male must make
sure to adopt a technique that is focused solely and entirely
on pleasing the female, does not have any will-power required,
and is easy to learn to do well.
That technique is cunnilingus.
If a virginal male, the first time in bed with his partner, after
foreplay, performs as much cunnilingus as the woman can handle,
he is "in like Flynn". Why? Well, first of all, a good
proportion of most men will not even deign to perform cunnilingus.
They feel uncomfortable because, frankly, it puts a man in a subservient
position (emotionally, sexually, and physically) to a woman, and
there are a lot of pig-headed men who do not like that. So by
performing cunnilingus readily and enthusiastically on the first
time out, you have already surpassed a good 50% of all lovers
out there, most with far more experience than you. Few women do
not like cunnilingus, by the way. Second, it shows respect for
the woman and her needs, and this is more likely to place her
in the frame of mind to respect your very sensitive needs on your
first time out. Third, cunnilingus is deceptively easy to perform
at least adequately. You can refer to the All Sex Advice site
linked in my Under the Bed section. A
tongue does not prematurely ejaculate. It does not go limp. Performing
cunnilingus is as easy as licking ice cream. Therefore, it is
a very very easy thing for a virgin to perform well the first
time out.
Once you have performed cunnilingus
to the woman's content, then you are in a position to have yourself
pleased COMPLETELY free of anxiety. Why? Because you have already
pleased the woman! She is done. She has been pleased. Mission
accomplished. Now, even if you attempt intercourse and ejaculate
inside of 2 seconds or go limp after 2 seconds, it doesn't matter....she
is happy. So enjoy!
As you continue to have sex,
keep making sure you fully and completely please the woman before
turning to yourself. This makes intercourse faux paus far less
stressful for both you and her. Eventually, when you become proficient,
then you can vary this routine.
Conclusion:
So, that's it! In the above three sections, I have outlined how
to....almost completely free of anxiety and stress....find a woman,
date her, and please her in bed. Remember, confidence is probably
one of the biggest factors in attracting people. People are kind
of like animals, they can sense fear, and that puts them ill at
ease and ruins the time for both of you, so the key is to reduce
anxiety, restore confidence, and let things flow naturally.
If you have been helped by the above, or have comments, or would like more information, then email me.
Return to Under the Bed.